Damaged Goods
Have you ever had the feeling that you are damaged goods? Trying to find a place for your self in this perfect world. The feeling that you don’t deserve anything good and when something good does happen well you say.. it was just a fluke. You are in this bloody race and you feel you don’t deserve to be there let alone win.
When you want something in life, reach out and grab it. I left all the realities and reached out, but never could get hold of it. And I have been falling ever since into the dark abyss. The constant rejections make you wary. You’re too scared to want anything because experience tells you probably you wont get it and if you do it will be snatched away from you. I am not a coward. Its just that I don’t take rejections very well. When you put in your heart, everything into it and then the rejection.. well it hurts too much. I tell myself to be brave, to be strong. But for how long? That’s not me. Me is being pissed off like hell, blaming myself for being so stupid, so damn stupid; to even think I had a chance. And that is when you feel you are damaged goods; crooked and broken.
SpooksVilla
Well I am in Ranchi at present to get some expert opinions and help from the people of Automation Division, RDCIS. So but naturally I looked for a place to stay nearby to avoid the daily exhausting commute from hostel to Ranchi. And that is where the OLD MTI GUEST HOUSE comes into the picture. And I mean its like really, really old. From the period of Independence kind of old. “ Khandar” will be the exact word. The century old establishment had 60 odd rooms and guess what I am the only occupant. I live in Room 38. It’s in one corner of the building. The one thing I noticed when I entered the room were the green creepers coming out of the AC. Awesome, I said. There a door leading outside to the balcony where there is a view of the garden( now a grassland comparable to savannahs with wild life of its own) and another door leading to the bathroom. All this seemed funny till there was light.
Once the sun went down, I started getting an eerie feeling. I go to bed early like round about 10. But man, I was little hesitant before switching off the lights. Once in bed, I started getting weird thoughts. There was no one around in the Guesthouse except me. I was all alone. Once or twice I thought I saw a faint silhouette on the windowpane. Man, I was freaking out. I was like telling myself, just shut your eyes and go to sleep. I didn’t even want to get out of bed to take a piss. The damn balcony was full of creepers and weeds. And it was pitch black outside. I even had heard tiny creatures scurrying under my bed. I have no idea, how I fell asleep that night. But I have made sure, I am like real tired before I get in bed so my eyes shut as soon as I am in bed. I still got about a week’s stay in the SpooksVilla but now I keep a metal rod nearby just in case.
Just one of those Days
Its just one of those days when nothing goes right. The car tire goes flat when your out for a late night drive to relax. To top it of, it starts raining out of no where. The one time you have to make an important call is when you’re out of balance.
Its just one of those days when you feel so lost. When you can’t figure what are doing with your life. When you look back at all the decisions you have made in life and then think, what if I had done that, what if I had not chosen that, what if I had landed up in another college, what if……
Its just one of those days when you feel so lonely. Even though you’re among your parents and your friends, you feel so lonely. You feel like your in a world of your own, surrounded by your thoughts and its just you there.
Its just one of those days when you feel something is missing in your life. You have done all you could to make your parents happy and proud, but still your unsatisfied. It’s like there is this big void in your life which you want to fill.
Its just one of those days when you say I need a break. You sit down and try to relax, but you know you need a break from everything. You need to go off somewhere away where no one even knows you.
It’s just one of those days when you feel you deserve better in life. After all the hard work you have done, done what is best for you, done everything possible you can to help others, you feel that life hasn’t been fair to you. You feel you’re a good person, then why the discrimination.
You know they do say everyday is not a Sunday.
Peace
After a whole day, running around in the Steel Plant, surrounded by dust and huge pipes carrying steam (as if the hot sun and the humid weather is not enough), it felt good to be back home. I entered the house and just flung my bag on the bed. Undressed as fast I could, and then stood beneath the shower. I slowly turned the knob. As the first drops of water touched my skin a sense of calm settled through out my body. The grace with the drops were hitting my face, it felt so good. The drops just run down the whole length of the body and the feeling was awesome. My god, I said, this is the best shower I have had in years. I just stood there with my eyes closed. My mind blank, not a single thought interrupted my relaxed state of mind. Almost as if I had fallen asleep. I finally got out and put on my Bermuda n T-shirt. I took a quarter of a water melon and put in the blender till it was almost liquid. I like it this way juice with chunks of the fruit. I finally settled down in from of the air cooler, took a sip of the juice and said “ Ahh, Peace”.
Heaven.. Well almost close
It can be on a lonely island in the middle of a vast never ending ocean or it can be a cottage in the middle of a jungle with a river flowing by. I want to be away from it all- the noise, the people, the chaos, the busy schedule. I want to be surrounded by peace and quiet. I want to feel cool breeze flowing by, gently touching you. It would be so relaxing that you forget all your troubles, all that has been bugging you. When I get up in the morning, I just want to smell the fresh air and just take it all in. When I have my morning cup of tea, I want to look at the mist all around and the birds flying by and listen to them sing. I want to take a walk along that stream or just along the beach on a nice evening just as the sun is about to go down. May be take a dip just to cool off. I want to sit there and enjoy the beautiful sunset. Or maybe lie down and stare at the night sky dotted with millions and millions of stars. And I want you to be there beside me.
The Flyover
We came out of the movie hall at 1.30 in the night after the last show. Relieved is only word that comes to mind when my friend asks how was the movie, relieved it is over. There were seven of us and no one was in the mood to go back home yet. So we decide to take the long route back home via the highway. We all were having such a good time, joking and chatting as we were riding our bikes. Then I saw the flyover ahead on the road and I think an adrenaline rush kicked in.
I went full throttle. There I was on the flyover at 2 in the night, with the cold so biting it brought tears to my eyes. But for the brief moment that I was on the flyover, it felt so good to be among friends, to be at home. These were not just any friends, these were those people with whom I had grown up learning every lesson in life, sharing every detail and laughing away all problems. They are my sanctuary . I had a kind of “flashback” of all the good times we had, a quick rewind n play. Then I saw the end of the flyover, I had to slowdown. I didn’t want to but I had to. It was then that it hit me; I had to go back to college, away from these bros of mine, in just a few days. I don’t want to go back, why do I have to go back. And I know the answer to the question which I ask. Because life is not fair, it doesn’t give us any choice, we have to move ahead along with all that is to come. Ill always remember this ride.
Under the Night Sky
This is about us three friends. One doing engineering in the jungles of Jharkhand(this is me), one doing CA in the busy city of Nagpur and the last guy doing medical near the beaches of Goa. We meet for like 5-6 days in a year and obviously have a lot to catch on to. And so we do in a very awesome way.
After having dinner with our families, saying prayers and kissing good night everyone, we sneak out of the house. The doctor comes to pick us up in his Chevrolet and then we go off to a big field nearby. We park the car at the very far end, switch of the radio and then we lie on the car. We stare at the stars as we tell each other how our life has been in the past 12 months. The best thing about this all is the peace and quiet around. The slow breeze flowing carries you away from this world. You feel so small among the stars at which you gaze. One night we even saw a flock of migratory birds. The feeling of sharing everything with my bros is so good. It feels like confessing to god himself. Because they don’t judge me, they just listen. We joke, we laugh, we advice, we envy, we feel sorry and sometimes even shed a few tears. We have so much to talk because we are practically like from different civilizations. We lie there lost for how long we don’t know.
These “nights” are very rare with so much else to do( actually don’t want to piss my parents off running away like this every night. They always make the extreme conclusion… booze and all) But we always are ready for these night-outs.
I am…
I am..
A Student in one of the best engineering colleges in India ( atleast this is what I think, don’t give a damn about the polls and surveys conducted by every other magazine). Having spent my whole life in a little known town in India, I just wanted to get out, to taste freedom. I loved my college the very instant I entered the big gates and still do, cause each and every day is a new experience when I learn something about myself.
Introvert. I don’t socialize much. I don’t have many friends because frankly speaking I judge people by the way they look, by the way they speak, the way they think. I love the very few friends I have made so far, because well they have accepted me for what I am.
Devoted-Friend. I love sitting down with friends for a good chat. I love listening to them, to hear what they have to say expecting them to do the same ( who am I kidding) but where do people have time nowdays. I love spending time with them. I am a fun guy to be around, joking and laughing all the time ( become irritating at times). The very few that I have made in my life is what all I have and I am damn proud of them.
A Foodie. I love food. I love eating. I love discussing about food. I have been to all the eateries in and around my college. I love my mom’s home made poha and dosas, biryanis and kebabs….(now its difficult to enumerate all the stuff I love to gorge on).Some of the very best comments regarding my food habits:
- My mom said that I’ll eat chicken even if it is just boiled sprinkled with salt.
- My batch mates predicted that I’ll probably end up in KFC or Mc Donald’s after finishing college rather than in Freescale or Telco.
Hot-Head. The anger bomb sits literally on my nose ready to explode on the slightest irritation. And I get angered by the most stupid, irrational things you would have ever heard. And then I regret getting into a foul mood, for shouting at someone, for fighting with the people I like. I feel like an ass for being so idiotic.
Afraid. I am afraid that I might explode one day because of all the anger and frustration building inside me. I am totally sure about it. The only way I can cool down is to talk to someone about this things but problem is that People don’t understand me and I don’t expect them to understand the crap inside ma head. I don’t blame them. I am on my own on this one.
Obsessive. I have rules. I blindly follow them and expect people to know them as soon as they come within my zone and follow them as I do. It’s like this that I get pissed even if someone slightly disturbs the order in which my books are arranged on my table. I am too obsessed with punctuality, to be everywhere on time, to complete every work before the deadline. I go mad sometimes, too obsessed to get something ,which enters my mind, out of my system. Too obsessed with cleanliness, with personal hygiene, with impressing others. This one of my problems cause…. cause I just don’t know when to let go.
Outdoor Lover. I hate to sit in my room in front of the computer the whole day. I love going out, roaming around just anywhere but always need an accomplice to be with me to indulge in such leisurely activity . I just keep looking for a chance to get out of class to walk around in the campus. I especially love my ( almost ) daily evening walks.
Amicus
Amicus, Amigo, Mate, Buddy, Friend, Dost…. Whatever you may call them, today here I am writing this blog for them…
Thank You for putting up with me whenever I lost my cool while playing football for no reason at all.
Thank You for going for an ice cream with me when no one else would.
Thank You for trusting me with your new bike.
Thank You for being ready to go to any damn place with me just to give me company.
Thank You for laughing at my stupid, non-sense jokes.
Thank You for not judging me by the way I look.
Thank You for putting up with my hunger equivalent to that of a Grizzly-Bear and never-ever ending craving for chicken.
Thank You for saying you understand even though whatever crap I said went over your head.
Thank You for being my wardrobe-manager and hair-stylist, my critic and my conscience.
Thank You for not getting pissed off by my irritating behaviour and habits.
Thank You for being the last to wish me on my birthday and of course the first.
Thank You for trying to keep your relationship with your girlfriend a secret just because I had a crush on her.
Thank You for always being there no matter what to cheer me up.
Thank You for understanding that I can’t keep in contact with all of you, that I couldn’t call you on your birthday but still you mean a lot to me.
Thank You for egging me on, telling me that I could do it even after I had given up.
Thank You for defending me even if you knew I was wrong.
Thank You for standing beside me when no one else would.
Thank You for making me feel that I was fun to be around with.
Thank You for never saying no whenever I asked for help.
Thank You for being just a phone call away whenever I needed to talk to someone.
Thank You for helping me to make sense of all the thoughts and feelings inside my head.
Thank You for being my sanctuary for among you I could be what I am.
D World is SpiNNin 2 FaSt…
People say that I have strange taste in music, good music but Strange. The title of this post has words from the song “19-2000“ by Gorillaz and they say a lot of things.Notice how fast life is speeding by us nowdays. Funny how today no one has time to stop by and just look at the world around them, to ask the people close to them how they are,what is going on in their life or just simply to look at your own self in the mirror.
Currently I am doing my internship in Bangalore in ABB Global Services and got to see the hectic life up close. People just keep zooming by on their bikes and cars while I sit their in the BMTC bus waiting to get to my place of work.One great thing about sitting on these buses is that I can observe people from all walks life. One guy is listening to loud kannada music while some one is asleep. All trying to do away with the tension for sometime before they reach home. I wondered that what I saw was one day going to happen to me too. I too will one day become a victim of deadlines, presentations, bills and what not.
And so I decided to slow down a bit, to take few moments to marvel the things around me. So on Friday while coming back home from work, I decided to come by the longer route just so i could see those parts of the city which i had not seen even though it meant more traffic jams but I was in no hurry. Now in Indranagar, an elderly man got onto the bus. He was carrying a lot of stuffs and so i offered him my seat as the others were too BUSY ( think cold is a far better word ). He thanked me and it felt good.After a few stops, the seat near the man got empty. I got to sit and then i started chatting with the guy. He said that i must be some from other place cause people there are too selfish and rude to do such a thing.We had a good laugh. I finally got down in front of a mall cause my stomach was sounding its alarm for the evening snack. So i went and stood in one of those long lines in front of MC Donalds to get a burger all the while thinking that hunger makes a person do a lot of stupid things even stand in a long line for hours. Now the guy behind me seemed a little restless and every now and then kept complaining how slow the line was moving.When my turn came he was still grumbling and so I said well go ahead of me,you seem like you have a plane to catch. It was fun to see his face turn red. Well I got my burger exactly 52 seconds after the guy got his order. And then I did put in some coins in the donation box.
Anyways it was getting late and I thought I should head back.But all the time on my way back, i looked back on the day as quite eventful but all in all I felt good. The truth still remains this that in today’s world each and every person is too self-obsessed with his life and his own interests to even care a bit about his closest friend leave alone lets say this elderly man standing in the bus. It really bugs me that why have we become like this but nothing can’t be done. I can only do a bit till I too get lost somewhere in that crowd of BUSY individuals.
